(2016) The Conjuring 2

My god Vera Farmiga is sexy. Lauren if you’re reading this, I don’t even care what kind of birthday cake you get me this year, just as long as Vera farts on it.

Regular readers know I’m not keen into tip-toeing around obvious problematic shit that people tend to ignore as to not seem too nit-picky. In The Conjuring 2, that obvious problem for me is just that the movie is too fucking long. The first scares in this film are genuine and impressive but by the end I was mostly concerned with how late it was getting, as my alarm is set to go off in 6 hours.

With that being said the acting is fantastic and cinematography is on point. From a film making perspective there was no loss in quality here. It really just kind of missed out on some easy editing opportunities to pick up the pacing a bit.

I absolutely commend everyone who worked on this movie because I can see what the writers were going for. I just genuinely don’t feel like we need this gigantic back story to become invested in the characters. You have filmmakers with the technical abilities to scare the shit out of people and they’re almost lost at times to the droll of the lengthy drama portion of the movie.

Suspense is really an art form that heavily relies on pacing and if you bore me in between scares, I’m never going to be able to actually get my nut off. I get that the writers didn’t want a total repeat of the first one just like I know my orgasms will never be as strong as they were when I was 13 watching blurry pay-per-view porn but a long backstory isn’t going to fix that problem. Sometimes you just have to swallow your pride and shove something up your ass to get back that feeling back; speed up the movie a bit, make it gorier, make is scarier, show Vera’s tits etc.

I really just preferred the first movie to this, it’s a great effort and it’s a genuinely good horror movie, just not a great sequel to The Conjuring, a movie I really loved. James Wan feeds us every part of the buffalo here and unfortunately, it’s just too much to eat and I can kind of taste the buffalo’s asshole a bit.

5/10

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Author: Ben

26 year old cheeseburger addicted horror junkie

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