(2016) Personal Shopper

I’ve been a huge fan of the recent efforts in slow-burn, ghost stories, as I’ve realized, it’s one of my favorite ways to enjoy a ghost story (one of my least favorite horror sub-genres). Strangely, despite that statement, only a few of these recent efforts worked for me. The only really notable one being Sweet, Sweet Lonely Girl. These films are delicate balancing acts that can afford to move slowly, but cannot afford to slip.

Personal Shopper is a vapid film starring the most vapid actress of our decade, Kristen Stewart. It methodically moves through nothing while boring the viewer to tears.

The ending is momentarily intriguing and I sort of worked up my own message that I don’t care to attribute to this French director’s vision. The entire thing is a mess and a completely unenjoyable watch from start to finish.

Let me just add that I get the film and I understand “what really was going on”. The annoying twats who say “well Kristen Stewart can’t act so it’s shit” are right. She’s garbage and she even manages to pair with this stupid, middle school-eque texting sequences that make me want to vomit.

Every asshole and his brother has the next great film idea but the more subtle and complex it is, the more talent it takes to pull off.

4/10

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(2017) Open Water 3: Cage Dive

I don’t think a found footage type film was a bad idea when trying to refresh this “open water” premise  but it was a project that didn’t need to exist in the first place.

The acting is really disingenuous and they tossed this extra soap opera level plot in to make things worse. I know everyone rolled their eyes at that aspect but it’s just filler. You need a few extra focus points to make an entire film about this tired premise. It’s still terrible though.

Anyways, check it out if you’re really that curious, it’s somewhat entertaining, just not any good.

 

4.5/10

(2016) Prevenge

I wasn’t too sure about this one while I was watching it but it ended up being a pretty entertaining homage to some outlandish 80’s horror movies. Oh which ones in specific you ask? Fuck you, I can’t think of them right now.

It’s got, besides the goofy talking fetus, the 80’s vibe, wah-wah slice slice shit. It’s moody in both a retro and modern sense. I also think it just kind of works. The backstory is simple but effective.

For a one-off horror flick, I dig it. It’s nothing super innovative and it’s not fucking funny despite being a black comedy. I’m just posting this shitty review to get it over with, I watched this 3 days ago and didn’t know what to write about it.

6.5/10

(2014) Dig Two Graves

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”

This was simply, an excellent revenge film and is absolutely being slept on. It’s beautifully shot, acted and anyone who even began to write anything bad about this film didn’t pay attention.

The one complaint that I can’t argue with, simply because it’s objective, is that it moves too slowly. My only rebuttal to that is that the film is short, suspenseful and trimmed up. I don’t share the boring sentiment that some do. Beyond that one fucking complaint though, everyone else that pandered on about this film being shit just didn’t pay attention.

People who wanna genre nazi on this film can fuck right off because, while a good film in general, I see this as appealing to horror fans the most. It perfectly encapsulates that supernatural element that horror fans have come to know but really takes you down an unsuspecting path.

I don’t even know, I liked it and it’s not really one that I think will spark a lot of meaningful discussion. This is being slept on and I’ll argue with anyone who says otherwise.

8/10

(2015) Man Vs.

This could have easily just waded safely into the giant pool of Netflix shit but I was pleasantly surprised with the ambitious nature of the storyline.

It’s a tension builder and its tension relies directly on the little information given so I wont ruin anything. I just want to pack your lunch boxes before you set off to watch this fucking thing.

It stars Brian, the cameraman from The Office and the fucking guy rocks. He’s seriously such a great on screen presence. I love him in Silicon Valley as well.

It’s a fantastic film that’s unfortunately bogged down by PS3 level CGI and that’s the honest in-a-nutshell review. It’s nothing to be overly praised because of that but one that’s worth watching.

6.5/10

(2016) House on Willow Street

This film is pretty ridiculous and has some serious acting and screenwriting issues. There’s really just not a whole lot of tension.

Some of the effects and shit are cool but some are incredibly shitty so it balances out.

It’s kind of a stupid concept in general. What’s original doesn’t seem to ever work out and what’s unoriginal isn’t even executed well. Pretty shit movie.

2/10