(2016) Carnage Park

I really hated this first portion of this vehemently for its stylistic direction. I fucking hate blanket filters in horror movies, whether it’s a dull blur/grey or in this films case, a saturated orange. I think that filmmakers use the orange filter to set that desert tone but you know what already sets the tone for a desert film? The fucking desert.

There’s also some Tarantino ripoff shit going on but for some reason, all of this nonsense is toned down once the film really gets going. From that point forward it’s mostly a competent but uninteresting effort. Everything is just alright.

I’m totally indifferent on this one, if you liked it, cool. If not, whatever.


(2016) The Belko Experiment

This was pretty much what I expected it to be after reading the description. It’s really shallow and unoriginal but also an enjoyable watch.

Through the mechanics of the setup, once things get going, it can seem very unpredictable. Then the characters get direction and that tension seems to calm down a bit unfortunately. It clings to a generic fast paced kind of thrill for the rest of the film, which isn’t terrible.

I really dug the effects and gore. The kills felt swift and graphic. Every aspect of violence in this movie was really well done, on a technical level that is.

It’s alright, no sense in ranting about this one too much. If it’s supposed to be some clever statement about corporate america, it went over my head.


(2003) Underworld

I actually found this film to be pretty tactless but I couldn’t help but also feel like it just wasn’t my cup of tea.

First off, as my regular readers know, I’m not a huge fan of heavy filters, especially ones that tend to naturally bore. The filter on this film does exactly that, it bored me to tears. When everything looks the same, nothing looks good.

When I say this movie is tactless, I really just mean that it’s filmed for a generally unintelligent audience. In that sense, I can see how they made this into a franchise film. Everything is explained directly to the audience from the characters so there’s no confusion as to what’s going on or who’s who. That’s a shitty way to explain it but hopefully you get what I mean.

I thought the climax looked really stupid but that’s also just my opinion, I don’t necessarily think it’s weak on any major technical level.

While Kate Beckinsale’s leather body suit may have unearthed yet another fetish for me, I don’t think this is a good film. It’s not terrible by any means, just not my cup of tea.


(2002) Dog Soldiers

Well fuccin eh ya cunt, we got a bloody great werewolf movie right here. But seriously, this is an awesome movie and one that I’d toss in there with any of the top werewolf movies.

It just really defies expectations one minute at a time. I spent the entire portion of the finale just smiling, wondering how they made such a great movie out of a seemingly stupid premise.

The performances are very early 2000’s to begin with and then the script suddenly starts tossing in these really insightful moments. It just makes for a special experience and the kind of film you can see tossing in your regular Halloween rotation.

In conclusion, tons of awesome practical effects. Oh right, I never talked about that but yeah, zero CGI in this bad boy. It’s a ton of fun, it’s action packed, it has dogs, it has dog soldiers, it has- well, you get it.


(2016) Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

This a big ol’ greasy Hollywood inspired piece of shit. I actually had to watch it in pieces because the shit editing, 90 cuts per second and shaky cam were making me nauseous.

Content wise, it’s just widely inconsistent from anything derived from common sense, or already established rules of the Resident Evil universe.

Absolutely fucking awful film. Milla doesn’t deserve this and neither do the fans. Unfortunately, I can’t in good conscience rate this lower than Retribution, since it does at least have a plot.

It’s such a shame because it could have been a great film. There was so much I kept almost loving about it but just the lack of care was plastered everywhere.


(2012) Resident Evil: Retribution

I personally think this movie is really bad but I don’t necessarily condemn it like everyone else does. I mean, what the fuck was Paul Anderson supposed to do with the 5th Resident Evil film? Actually, it fucking sucks, I do condemn it.

The film has no plot. It’s just a situation that Alice find herself in and has to fight her way out of. It’s absolutely boring. Sure, there are cool moments here and there but somehow in the back of my mind they just felt meaningless.

There’s no motivation for what goes on and the films ending suggests the series is just going to move on from here without any of our questions answered.