(2006) Severance

For the base of this movie being another mediocre cliché slasher, Severance manages to balance the horror/comedy genres quite well.

This would be an ideal popcorn flick to toss on when you’re not looking to get into anything too meaty. It’s well made in terms of cinematography, sound and effects. Mostly though, I have to recommend this simply for the strange breed of comedy. The comedy in this movie isn’t some consistent tone, it’s more like out of nowhere it pauses for a ridiculously stupid joke or scenario which fortunately is somehow fucking hilarious. Particularly this scene:

This entire movie is just a fun, gory and oftentimes hilarious adventure.

7/10

(1981) Scanners

I know Scanners isn’t the most well received Cronenberg film but i really dug it for what it ended up being. It’s a sci-fi horror that’s truly built around the story and propped up by awesome 80’s style special effects.

The glaring problem with this movie is that it’s almost impossible to give a shit about the main character. We know he’s a scanner and much different from a normal person but my god is the acting bleak and void of emotion. S0 basically I never ended up caring whether he lived or died, which in this instance, didn’t ruin the movie. I wanted to know more about the scanners themselves, the backstory and where their “war” was headed. Thankfully the movie delivered on all of that.

I remember reading that Cronenberg kind of struggled through making this movie because of different problems with the production and crew. It unfortunately shows but there’s too many  awesome moments to pass it up.

6.5/10

(1996) From Dusk Till Dawn

My obsession with Tarantino’s foot fetish has officially become unhealthy. From Dusk Till Dawn is fucking badass and I loved every minute of it.

I wanna get my only criticism out of the way and that’s that old horror movies audio (post 2k) fucking sucks and the dialogue is always so quiet while everything else is earth shatteringly loud. Not just this movie, it’s modern day shit too like commercials and what not. It’s fucking obnoxious just fuck off with that shit already.

Other than that this movie is fucking excellent. Clooney makes me want to see other major actors do horrors too; I want to see Tom Hanks rip off some zombie dicks with his teeth.

The reason why this movie is so fucking good is because the first half and all the build up is almost a movie in itself. I don’t mean that in a way where I’m saying it could have been its own separate story but more so that it was shaping up to be an incredible hostage movie. Then all of the sudden and I really mean all of the sudden, hell breaks loose and we have cum filled vampire heads exploding all over our future elites of Hollywood.

Check this one out just to see the special effect team’s effort to try and make Danny Trejo’s face actually look more haggard than it is in real life.

7.5/10

(1983) The Dead Zone

The Dead Zone is a great supernatural horror-thriller with excellent acting and believable characters. The story surrounds Johnny Smith who’s awoken from a lengthy coma to find that he has the powers to see visions of the future.

I loved Christopher Walken’s character in this because he wasn’t one dimensional. Yes the viewers know that ultimately Johnny will have to use his powers to prevent terrible events but there’s a dichotomy between Johnny’s intentions to fight crime vs his intentions to pick up where he left off with Sarah.

Viewers sort of unconsciously see this tipping point where Johnny has to accept his fate and the events following lead up to his ultimate sacrifice for humanity. There’s not that much traditional horror here so I won’t toss this to the reddit masses to tear apart but nevertheless it’s worth checking out.

I don’t really have too much else to say about this movie; Steven King story, cool shit.

7.5/10

(1992) Candyman

I don’t want to pigeonhole Candyman as a A Nightmare on Elm Streecopycat but there are some definite similarities that made me go ehhhh. Wes Craven most certainly does not own the supernatural killer copywrite but there’s an aspect to this movie that seems really similar. The candyman himself explains that he needs to murder to make the people of the Chicago projects remember him. Much like our toasty friend Freddy says about the kids on Elm street. It’s a shame this was even in the movie because the plot didn’t even need it.

Aside from that, this is a really fun movie that has its own unique atmosphere. It forgoes the typical slasher soundtrack and goes with this moody piano music instead which works really well. There’s only one major jump scare and it induced a serious heart palpitation. The acting from Virginia Madsen is solid and after seeing her great big dirty milkers I think I’d like to show her my little candyman if you know what I mean (my penis).

This really isn’t a slasher film as much as a film about revenge. The candyman’s existence itself is a product of revenge and by the end of the film we realize it’s really been about Helen’s revenge against her husband as well.

“The pain, I can assure you, will be exquisite.”  

I should mention that although it’s not a slasher movie its selective gory moments are beautiful. The candyman is menacingly powerful with his strikes and all of the violence adds to the tension.

6.5/10

(1975) Shivers

Already knowing how talented Cronenberg is makes reviewing his early films so difficult for some reason. I have a hard time telling if he’s going for a serious tone with these movies unlike watching Peter Jackson’s early films (Bad Taste, Brain Dead). Whatever his intent was with Shivers, I full enjoyed it much more that his next film Rabid.

The films main villain is a goofy parasitic worm that crawls onto and into people using awesome practical animation. It’s stupid looking and remind me of one of my favorite 80’s movie Brain Damage. Basically the parasite in this flick causes everyone to become super horny and murder-y and rape-y.

Towards the end of the film we get this epic climax shot all inside a single apartment complex which quickly gets gruesome and claustrophobic. However, there’s one scene in this segment where a girl is getting attacked by her neighbor who breaks into her apartment and she seems so nonchalant about it as well as after it occurs. Also, during the break in/attempted rape the girls audio is hilariously badly dubbed over making it just an awful (or awesome) stain on the movie.

Barring that scene the movie is pretty strong. It has a ton of awesome body horror and it’s well above what I would consider a b-movie, despite some goofy effects.

I have to roll my eyes at all these “omg disturbing and life changing!” reviews when sorting through old movies by Cronenberg because they’re all so far from that level of depth. There’s some interesting monologues regarding sex and death in Shivers, which I appreciate, but nothing that’s going to distract me from just enjoying it as a sexy bloody popcorn movie.

7.5/10