(2016) The Wailing

This was without a doubt one of the best horror films I’ve ever seen. It’s a breathtaking masterpiece. You know the best blowjob you’ve ever gotten in your life? Don’t lie to me, you know it was probably from the ugliest girl you’ve ever been with. She was the noodle doodling cottage cheese butt cheeks equivalent to shooting up heroin in a dirty alleyway; a definite high but an ultimate low.

This movie is that perfect blowjob but with Adriana Lima on the top of a fucking mountain at sunset; just violently face fucking its way into my years top 10 list. The photography direction and cinematography are astounding. I could pause the movie at any given moment and marvel at an iconic photograph. The camera work is clean and powerful, really bringing a ton of realism in some pivotal moments.

This movie had me guessing up until the very last moments. It’s exactly what I crave, an unapologetically evil entry into horror cinema.



(1932) Vampyr

I couldn’t have been more surprised to find out what kind of film this is, especially after seeing Nosferatu. Vampyr is not your typical vampire movie but rather a stunningly intelligent surrealist horror film.

The entire movie feels very much like a depiction of a mans nightmare. There isn’t any bloodsucking or bats, only a steadily increasing force of evil and dread.

I highly suggest giving this one a shot, especially if you’re able to enjoy older films like this. If you find yourself unable to stay engaged with films from this era then I will admit, this might not be for you. While it does have audio dubbed in, it was originally shot as a silent movie and has that general vibe.


(2016) Pet

I have to really blurt this out quickly before I lost my train of thought so let me tell you why this movie both over reaches and under reaches simultaneously.

First off, the beginning of this-

Oh this is a stalker/abduction movie by the way.

Anyways, the beginning is solid. It’s actually above average in my opinion as far as initial stalker vibes are concerned. That’s due in part to Dominic Monaghan, he plays the shy part very naturally which to me, might very well be the most important part of a stalker persona.

So the movie proceeds as you would expect it too and then halfway it decides to shoot for the starts with a big twist which actually works. It doesn’t work in the M. Night primetime era fashion but it works in the context of the film. The change of pace elevates the storyline and I was sort of like edging at this point. I don’t want to call the finale a ruined orgasm but it didn’t really pop for me.

I honestly think the girl in the cage, the “pet” was just a really mediocre actress. I don’t even know. Oh shit that was that Jennette McCurdy? Wasn’t she the chick in her bra/panties posing all sexy on the bed in those leaked celebrity nudes? How the fuck is that part of the fappening? That’s SFW as far as I’m concerned. I’d give her leaks a 4/10 and I’m factoring that into this review. It’s goddamn toxic to nude pics in general. I’m 27 bitch, you think I still get turned on by that shit? Spread apart those butt cheeks and let daddy see the holes. *wipes foam from mouth*


(2010) Helldriver

This is straight up the most ridiculous fucking thing I’ve ever seen. It makes Peter Jackson’s Dead Alive feel like a Disney movie.

The special effects are amazingly fucking unique in that they’re intentionally shitty when they…intend to be? This is just a body horror masterpiece that was destined to be birthed by the perviest country known to man.

I don’t even know how to review something like this because it’s so incomprehensible to the average horror fan but if you throw this on in front of seasoned horror fiends they’ll writhe and foam at the mouth.

I loved it for what it was, an absolutely unrelenting mess of insanity.


(2005) Haze

This is an effective Japanese horror that’s on the shorter side at 49 minutes. Is it a short film? A feature? Do we give a shit?

It’s a film who’s setup is somewhat in the same vein as Cube but much more bleak, which is to be expected from any Japanese horror. I think some of the criticisms were concerning the lack of content in the actual storyline but I actually enjoyed the movie being really short. In the short time I watched it I really felt claustrophobic and frankly pretty anxious.

The ending is also potentially problematic for people and maybe it’s possible I reached a bit but to me it was incredibly dark and unexpected. They could have done anything they wanted to for the ending but I stand by their decision.

Check this out if you were a fan of Cube or if you have 45 min to spare in general.


(2012) The Lords of Salem

I’m a fairly big Zombie fan so I really went into this movie with a decent amount of excitement, despite the mostly negative reception its received.

For most of the movie I was enthralled in Zombie’s bold direction. It’s an ambitious attempt at creating a unique arthouse style atmospheric horror film. The soundtrack and photography direction are both fantastic and on a technical level, I felt it worked beautifully.

Where the film really falls apart is in the last act. It was almost like Zombie was saying, “Do you hate this yet? *something even weirder happens* How about now?”. It’s just a series of outlandish creative decisions that for me, ruin the movie. It’s really a shame because with a better ending, I believe this would be one of his stronger films.

Also, once all that madness at the end is over, we get this incredibly ambiguous ending that I frankly just straight up don’t understand.



(2016) Beyond the Gates

This movie fucking rocks. Hands fucking down the best use of a voodoo doll. The practical effects throughout are just excellent.

This film comes at you with this kind of retro 80’s vibe but it works really well. I’m not sure why people are mentioning flaws due to budget related restrictions, the whole thing looked cool as shit.

This isn’t game changing or anything, it’s like a horror version of Jumanji but fuck it, it’s fun and I dig it.