(1983) Jaws 3-D

This movie is so goddamn stupid, I did laugh a bit but it was pity laughter. The special effects are god awful. Even for 1983 this is straight to VHS quality. I can’t even review other aspects of the film because of the shitty effects. They’re abrasive, laughable, inconsistent and really put the final nail in the Jaws film series for me. I’ve heard Jaws: The Revenge is even worse but I can’t bring myself to suffer through it.

2/10

 

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(2009) The Collector

I watched this movie while writhing around in a greasy pit of cheap whiskey and unfounded adrenaline and now I get to write the review hungover as shit.

Fortunately for me this movie is very easy to talk about and the entire experience of watching it was fairly straightforward. It’s like a typical home invasion movie mixed with Saw. It’s fast paced, unrelenting and viciously brutal. I fucking loved it, tons of creative traps and tricks to create ultra-gory, cringe inducing moments.

The only other thing I want to note is that this is a horror movie that has a protagonist who behaves exactly like you want him to behave. Black people might be yelling in the theater “oh shit das fucced up!” but they won’t be yelling “tha fucc bitch wat u doin!”. Holy shit that was racist, I’m sorry.

If you like Saw check this out. If you didn’t like Saw then don’t check this out.

7.5/10

 

(2015) The Lazarus Effect

Long story short, this movie sucks. It somewhat reinvents the age old horror story of bringing the dead back to life with some modern twists and religious overtones. It’s main glaring problem, besides casting Mark Duplass (please just never act in anything outside of comedy ever again), is that the movie has no identity. It seems like it’s going for this serious tone but there’s just zero authenticity and I hated the movie from the start because of this.

I’ve noticed this trend in movies that the expected level of education is just thrown out the window. Directors take this lazy approach of having scientists in films explain to other scientists certain basic concepts just so the audience can understand. It reminds of of buying a t-shirt at Walmart and having it be ridiculously wide and baggy, just for insurance in case some fat fuck puts it on and gets offended.

Give me some fucking authenticity. When I watched Green Room I was there, I suddenly felt encompassed by the punk rock world, despite never really having experienced that level of underground scene shit.

Olivia Wilde is great here as usual, her acting is over-emotional and effortless simultaneously.

Hmm, let’s see…anything else? Nope, I think that’s it.

4/10

(1985) The Return of the Living Dead

The Return of the Living Dead feels destined to be a shitty b-movie, an unofficial sequel to Night of the Living Dead but ended up becoming a campy, cult horror that will live on in infamy.

The practical effects are incredible and super retarded at the same time (no offense to tards). When I say “no offense to tards” by the way, I really fucking mean it. This inexcusable chaos that transcends to satire of its own plot is the only fucking thing that gives these movies life. That’s fucking retarded and you know what? We’re fucking retarded for liking it, not that I give a shit because it’s awesome.

This move holds a warm place in my heart. This isn’t even a so-bad-it’s-good nod, I genuinely like this movie and believe real talent went into making it. Fortunately, there’s a community of nerds to back me up on this, despite us all probably being completely wrong.

I highly suggest not watching this with your wife if she’s over 40 because the teen punk girls perky tits will have you ripping blunts all night in your garage, trying to contract a time machine out of cardboard boxes and dried jizz.

8/10

(2014) Housebound

Watching Housebound, I found myself being initially bored to death and completely uninterested. It was a pleasant surprise to experience a monotonous horror/thriller with a cunt lead actress completely win me over by the end.

The imdb is more than enough plot info but for the lazy, TL;DR a girl goes on house arrest at her parents house for robbery, fucky things go down.

The beautifully executed finale make the entire story come together and somewhat forgives the first half’s boredom. NZ/AUS horror films usually have some level of comedy in them, whether it’s purely from the goofy accents or the smart pseudo-british dry comedy. This one feels the same in a really great way. It doesn’t manage to fully break the suspense with its humor but there’s amble comedic moments to liken the characters and establish their authenticity.

This is a pretty good movie, it wasn’t my personal favorite but it’s a quality film, somewhat unique and it may very well appeal even more to someone else. I think this one is on Netflix right now if you wanna check it out.

6.5/10

(2014) What We Do in the Shadows

I was so surprised by this movie, it’s an absolutely wonderful comedy-horror that truly feels original. The humor is pretty dry so it might not translate to everyone but the fresh take on a currently stale vampire genre should be a treat for any horror fan.

All the performances were great but none that I thought were huge stand outs, it felt very cohesive among the cast. There’s a basket of easter eggs referencing older vampire flicks and some not so secretive homage payed to the greats (The Lost Boys, Nosferatu).

This is a fast paced comedy that never drags, a definite must watch for fans of dry comedy or horror fans that just want to see some fun poked at their favorite vampire movies.

8/10

(2002) Ghost Ship

This is the perfect movie to watch hungover because it’s about as mentally stimulating as eating a sandwich. Have you ever masturbated out of boredom, even though you weren’t even remotely horny? Not related to this movie, I was just curious.

The opening scene is so fucking awesome. I seriously recommend that everyone at least just watch that here:

The remainder of the movie isn’t awful, just painfully mediocre and well, yeah, a little awful. Shout out to the “intense” moments that had Mudvayne blasting, I needed a good laugh.

4/10