(2016) 31

Rob Zombie is criticized pretty heavily in general, people are pretty split on him, even in the horror community. I think it’s just based on the fact that he spans multiple entertainment mediums and people like to argue over whether or not he’s actually a good filmmaker.

This film however, really got shit on pretty heavily in a kind of hilarious fashion. Fans on the genre spilled out of the cracks to criticize Zombie’s technical abilities as well as a general consensus that the movie was lacking a complete “story”. I guess I understand both but I just don’t really give a fuck?

I thought the movie looked cool as shit and while the shaky cam/strobe scenes were draining, the finessed close ups really brought a ton of emotion to the characters. People keep mentioning how it’s impossible to care about the characters but I think that’s the point. The focus is really on the killers themselves and the awesome range of psychopathy displayed.

This isn’t a film for everyone, even fans of his other movies but if you trust a sweaty, red, unmotivated, nervous gingers opinion then watch this; it’s pretty fucking awesome.



(2007) Pop Skull

There’s always going to be an inherent level or pretentiousness when you make a movie surrounding general aspects of the human condition. We’re all bred to believe that our experiences are unique to ourselves, whether it be from our environment or just through the natural process of existing. I don’t tend to buy into that bullshit filmmaking usually, especially when it comes to horror because for a movie about the woes of adolescence to be actually good, it has to really be fucking good.

Obviously the above statement applies to this film. This movie is kind of an artsy drug fueled mess that doesn’t really have an identity. I like Adam Wingard quite a bit and being that it’s an earlier film, it’s really cool to see him just go for it, even if it doesn’t work for me personally.

If you have a personal connection to substance abuse and bad breakups, by all means give this a shot.


(1975) Trilogy of Terror

#1 Julie

This one was pretty good, nice lil surprise switch up midway was a solid play on the ol’ fuck my teacher tale. The teacher really sold her role with this one which is the only thing that made it successful, otherwise it was kind of a bland short. Some close up penetration shots would have really classed this one up.

#2 Millicent and Therese

Predictable to anyone who’s not retarded, especially after seeing the first short.

#3 Amelia

Chucky inspiring hilariously awesome short about a little ancient Mexican doll that terrorizes this little philly in her apartment. It’s so fucking awesome and actually gave me a bit of a scare at the end. This is the type of shit that ruins your childhood.

Overall consensus is probably that this is just okay, nothing really horrid to say about it. I guess the second part sucked but even that didn’t ruin it for me. This is short, give it a watch, it’s definitely not a waste of life. The last act fucking kills it but doesn’t quite make up for the first two.



(2015) Intruders

This film felt hopeless from the opening break-in scene which was clearly adapted from my childhood stories of stealing beer out of peoples garages. Actually, even that act itself was done with more tact. God I fucking hate that fucking scene, it’s right fucking there too, smack dab at the beginning; impossible to fucking ignore. I get it though, home invasion is a hard thing to research, it’s only something that happens in America a thousand fucking times a day.

Now that I got that out of my system, I can say that the films storyline shines brightly through that bullshit. It’s an incredibly fun movie that’s genuinely unpredictable which is really the antithesis of the sub-genre itself, in the best way possible. It really crawled out of the shit and abruptly so.

There’s zero standout performances here, they’re all kind of subpar to the filmmaking itself. It’s incredibly shallow when it comes to a few key moments but not in a way that hurts this movie because any emotional derivative of a typical sob story would have just completely thrown off the tone.

If you thought this was shitty, believe me I get it. If you really loved this, I fucking get that too buddy.


(1978) Invasion of the Body Snatchers

Donald Sutherland is the type of guy that sneaks in while you’re out of town to give your wife rimjobs by blowing single mustache hairs onto her asshole while sipping 30 year old scotch. Then you walk in and are like,

“what the fuck are you doing with my wife? There’s no way she’s going to climax from the anal stimulation of single mustache hairs!”

Your wife turns around, “Yeah, this really isn’t doing anything, I was just too nervous to say something.”

Donald eventually leaves with his head held high for some odd reason, he most likely never really wanted your wife in the first place. You and your wife try and work things out. You’reĀ fine for a while but eventually the pain of infidelity wains on you and eats your relationship apart. You get up the courage to leave her but you’ve grown old and realize that you gave her the best years of your life already. She moves on painfully quick while you join a gym and start online dating to attempt to do that same. Quickly you realize that you’re making zero progress in the gym after drinking 2000 calories in beer every night. To make matters worse, the only internet girls who are interested have a tooth to gum ratio so abhorrent that social justice warriors start to take offense to the inequality of what’s going on in these girls mouths. Finally, as your sitting in your old recliner that’s become the sole sanctuary from your crippling social anxiety, you just wonder, “Why do the large gum small teeth girls smile the hardest in pictures?”

I love this fucking movie with all my heart, it’s seriously one of the best alien invasion movies I’ve ever seen. It’s drenched in dread from start to finish, a film that never gave you a safe moment to take a breath.

Both Donald Sutherland and Brooke Adams are charismatic leads that sell themselves completely to role. Oh my god, fucking Leonard Nimoy is basically Spock in this and it works beautifully, he’s legitimately perfect for his role.

The effects are great and not in any way overused as most of the creepy element comes from the fact that we don’t know the real people from the aliens. Overall, the movie looks fantastic and it’s extremely well shot with great photography direction.

I’m fucking beaming while writing this, the ending blew me away. It reminded me of why I love the genre so much and it was such a genuine scare that I knew this was going straight into my favorites collection.



(1959) The Tingler

This was such a welcomed hangover movie today, just an easy to swallow Vincent Price b-movie. The plot is funny, original and completely ridiculous. Price’s acting is well, it’s really Price-y, which is a good thing.

The effects are limited but pretty cool. The movie is in black and white but it has a scene with bright red blood which kind of threw me for a second. It looks totally awesome.

That’s it! It’s not the fucking Mona Lisa but definitely a fun watch, can’t really say anything bad about it. I’d recommend this to anyone who doesn’t have a stick up their ass and also people who have sticks up their asses. Oh and to people who want sticks up their asses. Richard Gere is assuming the position for The Tingler as we speak.


(2016) The Monster

I’m happy that someone made The Babadook when they did and I’m not upset that others are feeling inspired by it but this was a little too in your face.

If that doesn’t ruin the movie for you I’m sure the first half hour will give most of it away. It’s an incredibly well made film, really a ton of effort clearly went into this but its subtleties just aren’t subtle and that zaps the substance out of the film.

It’s tough to review a film like this because it’s so much better than 90% of movies I watch in terms of production and acting but ultimately I felt like it didn’t work. I guess I just have to accept that I didn’t like it and that it’s not good. It’s just unfortunate when a sizable budget horror movie fails, this genre is generally just a dumpster fire.

Don’t tweet me about the budget, I was just speculating but yeah, I didn’t like this. It had great elements but it changed tongue in cheek to tongue in asshole; still enjoyable but inevitably somewhat shameful.