(2015) Extinction

Extinction is a very solid entry in the survival-zombie-bullshit. I’m not backhanding this movie with that genre tag but let’s just face it, this concept has been done a plethora of times with often very successful results.

Nevertheless I can’t help but feel like this movie stands on its feet among some greats like 28 Days Later. Matthew Fox from Lost is an incredibly underrated actor, natural on screen but able to intimately emotionally engage audiences with very little words. I like him the more I get to talk about liking him.

As for the story line, it’s fairly generic to these types with its originality coming from its drama portion and really the quality of its acting. Quinn McColgan is very natural on screen and shows a ton of promise, reminds me a lot of Dakota Fanning.

It’s good, check it out.

7/10

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(2014) The Voices

I’m not sure how this movie slipped under my radar but it’s a welcomed treat and another example of the versatility Ryan Reynolds posses as an actor.

The Voices, at its core, is an incredibly intelligent original, black comedy horror that also manages to look stunning in the process. Ryan Reynolds plays a troubled, unstable man who spends his free time talking to his dick cat and more morally intact dog.

The director does a great job at switching between Ryan’s perspective and what we would assume to be reality. It’s clever as fuck and you’ll almost be uncomfortably giggling during those creepy sequences, trying to stay in that comedic atmosphere, despite shit starting to get real.

I can safely recommend this to anyone; comedy fans, romantic comedy fans, horror fans, perverts, depressed people, sociopaths, pets, etc. Grab a few beers, pop this bad boy in for date night and I can guarantee your girlfriend will shift your cock into 5th gear and drive you up fuck mountain.

8.5/10

(2016) I Am Not a Serial Killer

I’m kind of laughing right now because I’m trying my best to love this film but it isn’t happening. I’ll make fun of it but first let me say that Christopher Lloyd was excellent as a villain! He plays kind of an ambiguous creature who harvests other people’s organs and adopts this even deeper voice than usual that fits perfectly with the films atmosphere.

Real quick, because I do wan’t to spend a fair amount of time talking about the little edgelord teenager of a protagonist but besides that little shit, the movie is great. It’s well shot, well paced with a simple engaging story and has some solid special effects to boot.

At the center of this promising galaxy though we have, quite literally, one of the worst depictions of a “sociopath” I’ve ever seen in modern cinema. Saturday night live could have done a skit about a stereotypical angsty teenager and it would have fit interchangeably with this kids role. I’d be okay if the director straight up Kanye-style immediately remade his own project with a different lead because it really does ruin the movie. I’ve really got nothing against the kid personally, shit writing and a shit director let that skidmark happen on their movie.

I can’t recommend this to anyone, it’s a poor investment of your time.

3/10

(2016) The Conjuring 2

My god Vera Farmiga is sexy. Lauren if you’re reading this, I don’t even care what kind of birthday cake you get me this year, just as long as Vera farts on it.

Regular readers know I’m not keen into tip-toeing around obvious problematic shit that people tend to ignore as to not seem too nit-picky. In The Conjuring 2, that obvious problem for me is just that the movie is too fucking long. The first scares in this film are genuine and impressive but by the end I was mostly concerned with how late it was getting, as my alarm is set to go off in 6 hours.

With that being said the acting is fantastic and cinematography is on point. From a film making perspective there was no loss in quality here. It really just kind of missed out on some easy editing opportunities to pick up the pacing a bit.

I absolutely commend everyone who worked on this movie because I can see what the writers were going for. I just genuinely don’t feel like we need this gigantic back story to become invested in the characters. You have filmmakers with the technical abilities to scare the shit out of people and they’re almost lost at times to the droll of the lengthy drama portion of the movie.

Suspense is really an art form that heavily relies on pacing and if you bore me in between scares, I’m never going to be able to actually get my nut off. I get that the writers didn’t want a total repeat of the first one just like I know my orgasms will never be as strong as they were when I was 13 watching blurry pay-per-view porn but a long backstory isn’t going to fix that problem. Sometimes you just have to swallow your pride and shove something up your ass to get back that feeling back; speed up the movie a bit, make it gorier, make is scarier, show Vera’s tits etc.

I really just preferred the first movie to this, it’s a great effort and it’s a genuinely good horror movie, just not a great sequel to The Conjuring, a movie I really loved. James Wan feeds us every part of the buffalo here and unfortunately, it’s just too much to eat and I can kind of taste the buffalo’s asshole a bit.

5/10

(1974) The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

The beast that started it all is actually a very low budget horror and a successful one at that. Its avant guard new age dialogue meta physical ground breaking-god I wish everyone would just fucking die already.

It’s a fun movie that’s very well paced and doesn’t take itself too seriously. Leatherface isn’t scary, he’s literally retarded. “No dude like the way he moves in the natural lighting” Shut the fuck up bitch, listen to his goddamn voice, he’s fucking retarded. This was an aspect that the remakes kind of left behind, which I didn’t hate but retarded leatherface is kind of true to the inbred fucked up story.

So yeah, it’s fun, go check it out. The kid in the wheelchair is annoying as shit but that whole situation eventually works itself out.

7.5/10

(2009) The Forth Kind

I’ve never been so divisive about a film or possibly anything in my for that matter than I am about this movie. I love this film but it had problems. I don’t hate it but I also recognize its glaring flaws and overbearing obnoxiousness.

I should put as a disclaimer that I’m a lush for anything alien related, I’m addicted to wonderment and I always discredit my shortcomings as being small in the grand scheme of the universe. Jesus fuck that’s depressing.

Anyways, The Fourth Kind is incredibly special to me because it’s the first movie I’ve loved which I cannot forgive for its flaws. The narrative is obnoxious and downright deceptive. It had very little to do with the actual disappearances in that Alaskan town which may seem small, it’s a horror movie after all, but really just felt low to me. It didn’t even fucking need it, that’s my main problem. Take out the dumb fucking Milla monologue at the start and I’d be 10x more forgiving.

As for the actual film, it’s excellent. It’s truly horrific and a goddamn masterpiece in its own right, outside of a multitude of creative decisions. Milla Jovovich is oscar winning quality here, I fucking love her so much. The raw emotion that’s poured into this movie by her should be praised by the directors for saving their piece of shit.

The shitty narrative of fake “real” footage comes together at the end, it works. It’s one of the most creative uses of “real” footage I’ve seen to date but it’s fucking ruining to some degree by that monologue at the start. Do NOT try to actually fucking fool me, just make the fucking movie, it’s great as is.

Can a minute long monologue ruin a great movie? Yes, it can. It wasn’t believable and the small real connection to the actual disappearances was disrespectful.  I’ll never be offended by anything but using that vague real life story is absolute deception. Such a fucking shame because this is an excellent movie with unfortunately completely justified criticisms.

It’ll be a personal favorite of mine forever, I might actually have to binge some x-files to get off after that. The depth that this movie delves into is way more than any quick review will tell you. I clearly don’t recommend it for everyone but it works for me.

8/10

(1965) Repulsion

There’s such fantastic direction and care taken in this film of the horror subject that is rape itself. I’m really picky about depictions of sexual assault in movies, not because I find it offensive but because I find it hard to replicate all the emotions involved. Polanski sure does know rape and it really shows here unfortunately.

Sonically the movie thrives in the negative. When our lead actress is being raped Polanski purposely takes her voice away, really emulating the fear and helplessness in a genuinely scary way. The delusions she’s having are clearly transparent but intentionally so, though they tend to bleed into reality towards the end in a satisfying way.

Couple this with a claustrophobic atmosphere and we’re given a seriously trimmed up psychological horror thriller that was way ahead of its time. I’m joking, it wasn’t ahead of its time but doesn’t that make it sound better?

The reality is that the 60’s were actually a great era for suspense in horror movies. The effects were limited and the success of movies really relied on the directors creativity. Most of the production aspects age quite well in Repulsion and some of them were truly original to the movie itself.

8/10